This Just In: Ugly People Have It Hard

Attractive people rule this world.

According to a groudbreaking 2008 study conducted by University of Tennessee professor James K. McNulty, those of us who are more aesthetically pleasing hold a distinct advantage over our disproportioned counterparts.

The way McNulty sees it, the studs of the world have two choices:

1. Seek out an absolute stunner who will be more than happy to marry you because of the imminent superiority of your gene pool
2. Lock down one-night stand after seedy one-night stand in which you possess no emotional attachments whatsoever, regardless of whether you impregnate the women

However, the real power lies in the bosom of the alpha female:

1. Because each woman is the undisputed gatekeeper of her sexual destiny, she has the right to be infinitely discriminate when it comes to who she has sex with. And it should come as no shock that good-looking women seek out good-looking men with whom to create a whole new breed of genetically enhanced offspring.
2. Here’s the twist: Attractive married females will carry out their sinister ways by sleeping with handsome men for the sole reason of dipping into their genetics and producing a more attractive child. The woman will then giggle in delight when her considerably ugly, yet caring, husband agrees to rear the illegitimate child that is void of his unfavorable genes.

The study makes no mention of the unattractive female.

[Insert insensitive, rude, snide remarks here.]

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