Feature Story: Fox and Robot reach contract agreement
Effectively putting an end to an emerging saga originally reported by The Onion last Thursday, the Fox Robot has agreed in principle to a deal with the broadcasting corporation after a nasty holdout that lasted nearly nine weeks.
Since breaking on to the scene back in 2003, when Fox Sports president Ed Goren was in search of an entity mascot who was capable of annoying the shit out of a nationwide audience as effortlessly as color man John Madden, the Robot has become the face of Sunday football broadcasts and, in the process, singlehandedly made Fox the hippest source for gridiron action with its urban-influenced demeanor and popular dance moves reminiscent of African American break-dancers.
After putting in its dues for the past five seasons, the Fox Robot became eligible for free agency this past offseason and soon began entertaining deals from several other networks once it appeared Fox executives were reluctant to foster a primetime deal. Sources close to the situation reported the mechanical pimp was offered a multi-million dollar deal by upper-level management at Playboy prior to the NFL season, but negotiations reached a stalemate when the Robot learned it would be the new face of the newly formed Lingerie Football League (LFL).
A Fox spokesperson said Monday that both sides were elated and relieved to finalize a deal, albeit for completely different reasons. Fox has grabbed near record ratings on Sunday afternoons each of the past four seasons, an accomplishment executives—including Goren—readily attribute to the Robot’s visibility and realtively easy marketability. However, recent numbers suggest Fox is losing the battle for viewers through the first two weeks of the NFL season.
The company spokesperson told Citizen Fall that, without a doubt, the sagging ratings were “partially” due to the Robot’s absence and it was “absolutely imperative” that a deal between the two sides be reached as soon as possible. Fox released a statement early Monday claiming a large portion of the country’s viewers turned off their sets Sunday midway through the New York Giants’ lopsided ass-kicking of the St. Louis Rams, a game the statement says executives now regret electing for a nationwide audience.
While calls to the Robot were not immediately returned, CF did receive an email from its agent outlining the events that led up to Monday’s announcement:
The Robot is extremely happy that this deal is done and all the squabbling can finally come to an end, at least for now. When this process started back in early July, we were very fearful an agreement would not be reached before the start of the NFL season and, as it turns out, we were right, through no fault of our own. My client has worked his ass off for Fox Broadcasting Company for many years, and now the time has come to collect. I’m not talking just money, but I’m also referring to the perks that come with being one of television’s most recognizable figures. My client feels it should have access to the same ass, parties and illegal drugs that Terry, Howie and Jimmy indulge in on a weekly basis. At first, Fox executives were disgusted at the notion that a Robot needs to get its rocks off just like the rest of us, but now it’s nice to know they are finally seeing things our way. It’s like the old adage says: “It ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none.”
Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but it is speculated that the presumed multi-year agreement includes sexual rights to Pam Oliver, first crack at succeeding Joe Buck and a spot along side Troy Aikman in future Wing Stop television ads.