Citizen Fall

OMG! Jamie Lynn Spears Is Two For Two

Posted in Celebrity by ryedog on October 9, 2008

You have unprotected pre-marital sex once: shame on you.  You have unprotected pre-marital sex twice, even after you have seen how well it all worked out for your sister: shame on us for underestimating the power of the ‘white trash’ factor.

The National Enquirer reported Wednesday that teen queen Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant with her second child, just a mere three months after giving birth to Maddie Briann on June 19.  According to the report, a source close to the Spears family told the Enquirer that the 17-year-old Nickolodeon star is eight weeks pregnant and is beside herself with grief, while her mother, Lynne, is busy tearing the house apart in frustration and utter despair.

Or was she busy conjuring ways to one day exploit the talents of her new grandchild?

“Neither of them (Jamie Lynn and Lynne; there’s too many goddamn Lynns in this family) knows what to, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.”

Way to go, source who claims to be “close” to the Spears family.

But fear not, infuriated parents of America: Ms. Spears has decided to tap into her Southern religious roots and forgo the advice of friends and family who insist she end the pregnancy.  While you can prevent your tweens from watching her program, Zoey 101, because she may have possibly further popularized the idea of teen pregnancy, you have to give her credit for aspiring to be just like Britney, who is quite the role model.

Plus, you can’t abort a pregnancy that doesn’t exist, right?

Shortly after the Enquirer released its report, E! came to the rescue of the embattled Spears family, announcing on its site that the pregnancy rumors are completely false, presumably much to the chagrin of the phantom baby’s daddy, who was relishing in the thought of a magazine cover payday coinciding with the birth.

“I talk to Lynne (yes, the mom) all the time.  Believe me, she would have mentioned if that little girl is expecting again,” a source who lives in the Spears family native Kentwood, La., told E! News.  “That’s just a bunch of made-up crap.”

This “source” better make up his/her fucking mind.

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