Tampa Bay Rhymes With T & A
Screw the invite-only celebrity parties. Forget the fan-friendly NFL Experience.
Disregard all the hoopla that surrounds the most lucrative sporting event of the year.
Hell, who gives a rat’s ass about the game? You can watch Larry Fitzgerald haul in 12 balls and scoff at Ben Roethlisberger’s happy feet next season.
This is Tampa Bay, guys…the gentlemen’s club mecca of the Western Hemisphere. According to the lucky son-of-a-bitch from the Associated Press who got assigned the story, there are 43 (let it soak in) T & A taverns in the metropolitan area.
“Tampa has a reputation for having the most strip clubs and the most girls who are a lot of fun,” says Claudia, a fun-loving 25-year-old entertainer who loves grooving to Kid Rock’s American Badass as she works her way toward a PhD in discrete mathematics. “It’s so crazy, everybody is in a such a party mood. It’s a whole new level of everything.”
Party mood, indeed. What red-blooded male with a pulse wouldn’t love ditching a week of work to mix the season’s most crucial game with daily lunch buffets at places like Lip Stixx and Bare Assets—with intoxication as an overlapping theme?
The answer is, there isn’t one. Trust me, I’ve done it. I braved the unseasonably cool temperatures of northern Florida in 2005, for Super Bowl XXXIX between the Eagles and Patriots. One side note: Jacksonville, you’ve got a long way to go before you can match the skin and sin of your neighbors to the South.
Sadly, too much of a good thing will not only spoil you, it will allow you to test your drop-the-soap skills.
Placing public safety before fornication, local government officials have learned from past Super Bowl weeks, most recently 2001, and are now attempting to wash their city of the disorientating effects of blacks lights and scent of peach body spray.
See the “six-foot” rule:
Sec. 14-148. Prohibited activities.
(a) No person within an adult use shall, within six (6) feet of another person, display or expose any specified anatomical area or engage in any specified sexual activity, provided, however, that this provision shall not apply to prevent:
(1) Adult use employees or entertainers at an adult use from using dressing room facilities that are not accessible or viewable by patrons or the public and so long as such use does not include the intentional touching of the specified anatomical area of another person or such persons engaging in any specified sexual activity; or
(2) Any person from using bathroom facilities within an adult use so long as such use does not include the intentional touching of the specified anatomical areas of another person or such persons engaging in any specified sexual activity.
(b) No person who owns or operates an adult use shall knowingly, or with reason to know, permit, suffer or allow any violation of subsection (a) above.
The choice is yours, my friend. You can either keep your clean record by complying with the requirements of a good-natured, cookie-cutter Super Bowl experience, or you can accept your incarceration in a blaze of horny glory.
We won’t bat an eye if you go with choice No. 2.