Citizen Fall

A Service Position Awaits Michael Stipe in the After Life

Posted in Celebrity by ryedog on February 12, 2009

Now we know how R.E.M. vocalist Michael Stipe keeps the figure of an emaciated Latvian pre-teen slave girl…

By refueling on a steady diet of blueberry waffles, paranoia, and taking whatever measures are necessary to retain his reputation for being a larger-than-life dick.

The New York Post tells of the strife of an innocent New York waitress who saw Stipe at his best one fine night—and well into the next morning.

According to the accounts of Sara Barron, Stipe once pranced into city hotspot Babbo after hours and armed with an insatiable hunger for anything that wasn’t on the menu, including waffles slathered in blueberries. But what celebrity wouldn’t belittle some commoner at 3 a.m. for a well-rounded breakfast? It comes with the territory of being above the average human being.

Amazingly, Stipe, who apparently is too weakended to hold his own penis when he urinates, saved his pies de resistance for a five-hour testimony to why he should be fitted for an apron and a pair of non-slick safety shoes when he descends into hell.

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