Sarah Larson: My Name Is Humpty, Pronounced With the Umpty
The Subject: Sarah Larson
The Reason: Desperate for attention while rapidly losing celebrity status nine months after being dumped by George Clooney.
The Explanation: Complete oblivion to the fact commoners can also afford snazzy cameras.
The Aftermath: Get your D-list qualifications verified by hosts who don’t feel the need to whore up their Sundance Film Festival gift suites.
The Next Step: Utterly ruin the Chicago Bears’ defense by turning linebacker Brian Urlacher’s brain to mush and single-handedly inverting his penis.