Citizen Fall

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“Girl Next Door” May Be Done With Gold Dig

It took some time, but it appears as if Holly Madison is tired of waiting for Hugh Hefner to move on. 

And when I say “move on,” I really mean die.

Madison’s well laid-out blueprints for a changing of the guard over at Playboy Enterprises have been methodically documented on the popular TV program “The Girls Next Door,” which follows the exploits of Madison and the mind-numbing, watching-paint-dry chronicles of fellow Hef squeezes Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson.

So adamant is Madison in her grubbing for money and fame, that she makes repeated pleas for a marriage proposal, and even a child, to the geriatric icon.  Her underlying intentions include catapulting her way to the top of the corporate ladder by feigning the passions of an aspiring editor.  Apparently, neither producers of the show nor Playboy employees have the nerve to tell Madison that there’s more to running a world famous magazine than moving a nude image around a computer screen with PhotoShop.

But wouldn’t you know it, sometimes even the most evil-seeded plans go awry.  Met with the latent resistence of Hefner, whose dying wish includes just about anything other than marrying a woman who possesses the ability to singlehandedly ruin an iconic American brand, Madison, alas, has seemingly relinquished her firm grasp around the mogul’s scrotum.  With the inexplicable success of “The Girls Next Door” generating buzz about a possible spin-off, Madison now appears content with her level of fame to the point where she can afford to move on to sexual parters who are not only willing to engage in a little you-know-what, but don’t remember where they were when Pearl Harbor was bombed.       

Madison, a 28-year-old Oregon native and former Hawaiian Tropics girl and Hooters concierge member, has laid claim to Hefner ever since she somehow gained membership into the Playboy Mansion in 2001, when it was clear Hef was faux-humping seven other gals.  Lo and behold, however, in 2002 it was announced that Madison, whose actual surname is Cullen, had nabbed #1 girlfriend status.

Madison’s title may soon be stripped since she has recently been tied to Criss Angel, who is as much of a magician as Madison is a top magazine editor.  

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Spawn of Ten-Time Champ to Go Before Judge

Ashley Fliehr, daughter of pro wrestling legend Ric Flair, is scheduled to appear in court October 6 after she was involved in an altercation involving an unidentified 22-year-old male and her famous father on September 6 in North Carolina, Eyewitness News, a local ABC affiliate, reports.

According to reports filed by the Chapel Hill Police Department, concerned neighbors alerted authorities of an escalating situation in the parking lot of Fliehr’s apartment complex parking lot.  When police arrived, they found a familiar scene:  the ten-time Heavyweight Champion had been bloodied and his trademark blond locks stained with streaks of velvet red.

The nature of the scuffle was left undisclosed, but the 22-year-old Fliehr was charged with kicking a police officer and resisting arrest.  The man who remains nameless was not charged and said the matter has since been resolved privately.  Flair, who retired from professional wrestling in March of this year, decided not to file charges, even after his dome was whip-lashed into the bumper of nearby car and he was pile-drived onto the unforgiving concrete.

The altercation was finally resolved after police were forced to tase Fliehr.  According to reports of several neighbors, the actions of the arresting officer was quickly met with fierce chops to the chest on behalf of the wrestling icon.  One individual even stated that Flair, who is affectionately referred to by his adoring fans as “The Nature Boy,” later put the dazed officer in a devastating figure-four leg lock and promptly strutted his way back into his daughter’s residence. 

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Only in America…

TMZ reported Wednesday morning that three California women are suing the maker and two hosts of the television program “Attack of the Show,” claiming they were grossly misrepresented as “cougars” and filmed without their permission at an area nightclub in 2007.

According to the suit, the women claim they were wrongly portrayed on one of the program’s segments entitled “The Great Cougar Hunt,” which was filmed at Chapter Eight in Agoura Hills, Calif., an establishment the program referred to as a “world famous cougar hot spot.”

All three plaintiffs, whose ages were not disclosed, contend they were not at the nightclub to ‘hunt’ younger men at the time of the production.

The lawsuit, which contains a line clarifying that the “plaintiffs do not date younger men at all,” is asking for a sum in excess of $1 million. 

In the event you need some clarification:  A cougar, as outlined in the suit, is defined as “a sexually cunning 35+ female who is on the hunt for a much younger energetic male.”

“Attack of the Show” airs weeknights on G4, a network which caters to a male 18-34 demograhic with its gaming and technology-driven content.  G4 is operated by Comcast Entertainment Group, the company that owns E! Entertainment Television and the Style Network.   

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Obama-ball:  Fab Five or 50s Celtics?

Last week, we got the chance to see what Obama can do once he gets a big orange ball in his hands.  In between takes of his intimate interview with ESPN’s Stuart Scott, the Obomber turned a friendly game of one-on-one into his own personal vendettal bloodbath.  When he wasn’t breaking the ankles of the famed anchor on his way to the rim, Obama was stepping back and popping mid-range jumpers in Scott’s good eye.

Okay, so I tend to embellish from time to time.  The game actually featured limited hustle and non-existent defense.  Obama finally decided to end the foolishness with an elbow-laden drive across the lane that ended in an off-balance, victory-sealing kiss off the glass, much to the chagrin of Scott, who failed to defog the sports goggles after the game’s penultimate possession.

Other than the sluggish pace, one disappointing aspect of this refreshing spectacle was the fact that Obama chose to wear a pair of Russell Athletic sweatpants and a Hanes tagless undershirt, instead of the traditional hardcourt attire.  We can all see that his playing style is strictly old-school, complete with the outdated south paw layup and presumptive two-handed free-throw stroke.  However,  I wonder: If the Obomber had managed to find playing time during high school, scored a college scholarship and taken his act to the pros, what style uni would he have donned?  Would he have stayed true to the times and proudly worn the gluteus maximus-hugging, package-accentuating skivvies of his boyhood idols?  Or would he have become a precursor to Chris Webber and Co. of the early 90s and radically opted for the breathable South Central L.A. look? 

It’s your call, America–you decide.  Or you can just watch the damn video and see for yourself while you hear what Obama thinks about the human rights situation in China and, most importantly, baseball in the South Side of Chicago.

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Sarah Palin hearts dogsledding

It appears that presumptive vice president candidate Sarah Palin’s passions go way beyond offshore drilling and picking up KFC 12-pieces for the fam.  Deadspin was the lucky recipient of this little golden nugget yesterday, when it was revealed that Palin once worked over the teleprompter at KTUU-TV in Anchorage as a sports broadcaster.  While she’s no Linda Cohn, I do have to compliment Palin, then known as Sarah Heath, on her rockin’ 80s bangs and Sears Roebuck-inspired garb.  At least now we know if she’s punked down by the super-terrific Muslim duo of Obama-Biden, Palin’s always got a job covering the Iditarod for ESPN Irrelevant.

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