Ridicule: What Every Woman Wants

Women are an enigma, a universal paradox for which men will never devise a solution.

One minute they’re cold, the next minute they’re hot. One day they’re as arid as the Sahara, the next day they’re as fertile as the Amazon rain forest.

When you’re single, trying to figure out the biology of a woman is as useless and futile as trying to bag one. They say a woman likes to be pursued, but that won’t stop one from keeping your penis on the longest leash possible before deciding she’s sick of you, upon which time she’ll hollow out your chest cavity by extracting your heart and soul to display for the world to see.

But it’s all so easy. The pain is so avoidable. For whatever reason, females enjoy being talked down to and insulted constantly. Yes, women are strangely attracted to assholes.

And Bullz-eye has proof, in the form of real-life success stories of young men who have excelled at making attractive females feel like they’re an insult to procreation.

Case in point:

This girl at my gym is of those that I’ve always wanted to talk to but never really had the chance. She was bartending the other night and I told her I’d seen her at the gym. She said “yeah, but I don’t make it in there as much lately.” I replied “Yeah, I can tell, you’re really letting yourself go.” Then she gives me a shot and asks me if I’d help her with her workout.” She also said she remembered me from the gym and I said “So you were checking me out?” So I get her number, not bad, eh?

Well done.

Sure-Fire Ways To Get Her To Flash That “Oh!” Face

Nobody likes a faker, ladies—especially us men.

It’s one thing to pull a Paul Pierce, stage a leg injury, and act your way to NBA Finals heroics. But it’s an entirely different animal to falsely build your man’s confidence by throating a porn star performance when you’d rather be watching The Bachelor.

But we’re becoming privy to your Academy award-winning ways.

Guys, all we need to do is follow four easy methods set forth by Ask Men and our ladies will have no choice but to drop the act as she makes it a habit of praying out loud. Prepare yourself for a symphony of window-shattering high C’s.

Step One: Invest in some cheap-ass cologne—because smell is the strongest sense tied to memory, and you may have been wearing Stetson back when you were prolific enough that she didn’t have to fake it.

Step Two: Do it with just your socks on. Something about warm feet turns good girls into unbridled sex goddesses.

Step Three: Tongue at 10 and two. We’ll leave it up to you to interpret.

Step Four: Mind the spine. Confusing, to say the least. But what do you have to lose?

Why I’m Single Every Feb. 14

Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year when naive girls the world over are swooned by guys whose lone goal is to compensate for being a douche for the other 364 days.

And, no, I’m not bitter.

I’ve walked the plank before, forking over copious amounts of bills in the name of nothing more than lust. The last time I celebrated Cupid’s Holiday, I spent $200 on braised beef, an overpriced bottle of wine, and chocolate-covered strawberries to find out my lady friend had swapped saliva with another guy two weeks later.

The build-up around V-Day has gotten so huge that even the most solid of couples have been ripped apart because the night didn’t feature the obligatory itinerary of dinner, chocolates, and anti-climactic sexual activity.

Everything is forced. So what’s the point?

If it will help you sleep better at night knowing you took the time to tar-and-feather your girl with cheap massage oil and brittle rose petals, by all means, do your thing.

I’ll be watching the game, planning for Mardi Gras and St. Patrick’s Day.

[Photo Credit]

A Manly Twist on the Top Three Fall Activities

The autumn months have always been a purgatory of sorts for the average American male: Weekends, not to mention weekdays, are dominated by the MLB playoffs, the arrival of the NHL season, and, of course, a never-ending smorgasbord of televised football action.  But kissing goodbye to the bright sunshine and longer days of summer—both of which are conducive to your wife/girlfriend treating you like a plantation slave out in the yard and around the house—doesn’t necessarily mean all the fun has to be extracted from your Direct TV.  Because I am neither married nor locked into a committed relationship, I reserve the right to look for the possibility of sex around any corner, in any task, no matter how daunting and/or domestic.

Of course, a story of such rediculousness could only be found on the Back Cover.  Read the rest…