1. Founders Breakfast Stout—Forgo your morning coffee for this delicious concoction that will surely knock out the previous night’s cob webs and provide you with an invigorating start to a full day of gridiron action. The best part: The steep 8.3% alcohol-by-volume rating will make watching College Gameday’s Lee Corso slightly less annoying. The worst part: You’ll have to wait for the last month of the season to get lavishly schnockered, since the Founders Brewing Company doesn’t release this world-class beer until the first Saturday following Thanksgiving. In the meantime, jazz up your Joe with a little Johnnie Walker Black Label, which acts as a nice substitute for cream and sugar.
2. Rackhouse—An ode to the Sept. 13 clash between Ohio State and USC and, in particular, the aforementioned trustfund hotties that line the Coliseum bleachers in their favorite bikini tops. If you want to savor this bourbon-like treat, you’ll have to do so in the confines of your favorite high-end watering hole—somewhere in Ohio—as I’m sure the Great Lakes Brewing Company likes to keep a tight radius on one of its premier products. Plus, it’s only served on draught, which means you Buckeye fans will have to degrade yourselves to suckling from the tap when a still gimpy Mark Sanchez (he dislocated his left kneecap this past week in practice) hobbles about in leading his Trojans to victory in a game loaded with BCS implications.
3. Doggie Claws—May The Leak suggest the Georgia faithful descend upon Tempe with cases of this potent barley-wine in late September for the Bulldogs’ matchup with Arizona State? Not only will this mixture (which teeters on the brink of being a wine, with its hints of floral and citrus) go great with the post-game celebration of a quality early-season victory, but it will help to eliminate some southern-bred stereotypes in the minds of those stuffy and conceited desert retirees.
4. Sexual Chocolate—By mid-season, you’ll more than likely be incurring the wrath of your lady friend who feels your recent weight gain and separation from society is completely uncalled for. But, hey, screw it—it’s football season. What else is there to do? To begin rekindling the flame, stock up on this thick, rich Hershey-like stout that promises to ripen the mood for extensive apologetic foreplay. But before you dive headlong into anything silly, like stepping away from the television, check out Heisman Trophy candidate Chase Daniel and Missouri’s trip down to Texas to tangle with the Longhorns on October 18. In a clash to decide Big 12 pecking order, Daniel will be making his first appearance in Austin since being spurned by his hometown team on the recruiting trail prior to the 2005 season.
5. Reality Czech—A must have for all you once-giddy Red Raider fans who might find justifying the prognosticators’ lofty preseason expectations a bit tougher come Texas Tech’s trip to Norman in late November. Fueled by a string of dominating performances in non-conference play and a hard-fought victory over in-state rival Texas two weeks prior, Tech will roll into Oklahoma on a historically high note (and an even higher national ranking) before revealing to the country that it, indeed, does not have any form of a competent defense, as most of us skeptics originally thought. So where does the beer come in? Head coach Mike Leach, in the depths of a post-defeat diatribe, is the first one to reach for this California brew that omits a scent of lemon and an overall sour taste that tends to linger for way too long. Luckily for Leach and the entire Lubbock community, the Moonlight Brewing Company produces this pilsner all year round, which will definitely come in handy should Tech stumble early in the year, or, say, go in the tank against Baylor the following week.
6. Double Bastard—A 10% alcohol-by-volume brute, this fruity monster will have you reminiscing about the warmer early-season months leading up to conference championships in mid-December. Use caution when guzzling, however. As its name implies, Double Bastard packs a fierce one-two combination. Overtones of grapefruit and pineapple explore the palate in an infusion of citrus wonderfulness, lulling you into a false sense of awareness, but they soon give way to an onslaught of hoppiness and fermentation that is bound to make your 65″ plasma appear as if it has taken on the picture quality of a modest-sized Zenith. In a drunken stupor, phone your bookie in-between dry heaves, double-down on Florida and hope for an unprecedented second-half comeback by Urban Meyer and the Gators against LSU in the SEC Championship.
7. Temptation—Not so much a beverage for you to enjoy as it is the perfect compliment to the plates of humble pie set aside for the members of the BCS Selection Committee, who are in need of a serious change-of-heart. The committee snoots that defend the current process and insist the entire system is without flaw will need some libations at the conclusion of yet another unpredictable college football campaign, especially one that features three undefeated teams (USC, Clemson and Missouri). Much like the BCS, the Russian River Brewing Company defies logical thought by explicitly straying from traditional methods. In producing this oaky ale, the RRBC utilizes the well-known but commonly rejected yeast strain Brettanomyces to induce a secondary form of fermentation that gives this product its wine-like flavor. Temptation has a look and bottle all its own, which immediately tells me it was meant to be consumed by no one outside of a small number of unyielding senior committee members and stubborn university presidents who have bowl money to burn.
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