The 2009 NFL season is still five months off, but, as always, a steady diet of draft coverage has kept football relevant among the many sports media outlets.
And in a day and age when keeping up with the Jonses is the name of the game, those outlets continually battle to one up each other, even if it means tirelessly covering topics that hold no entertainment value of any kind.
Enter Yahoo! Sports, an emerging player in the world of diluted sports print journalism, which has followed the likes of ESPN by analyzing the piss out of the newly released NFL schedule.
Who has the so-called most difficult schedule? Which team is guaranteed at least 12 wins?
Who really gives a shit?
The truth is, in an era of the NFL when any team can go from divisional bottom-feeder to wild-card Super Bowl champ overnight, such projections are essentially meaningless.
But that didn’t stop Yahoo! from trying. Among the biggest winners of the schedule’s release? Tom Brady and Terrell Owens, of course. Brady is expected to arise from his offseason of weddings and being dragged around by his Johnson to lead the immortal Pats to another championship run, while T.O. is allegedly prepared for a breakout season even though the Bills don’t have a quarterback worthy of being named an NFL starter.
Oddly enough, however, when it came to picking one of the schedule’s biggest losers, Yahoo! turned on its partner-in-crime. It chided ESPN for ruthlessly ridiculing the defenseless (and offense-less) Lions and throwing the league’s first winless team under the bus during the network’s schedule special.
The network’s duo of Trey Wingo and Merril Hoge verbally flushed the Lions down the toilet every chance they got during ESPN’s schedule-release special. After awhile, it just came off as crass and unfunny. For what it’s worth, ESPN’s analysts chalked up losses for most of Miami’s games in the network’s 2008 schedule show, too.
This post has nothing to do with your lawn, nor does it mention the word “semen” at any point, just hints at it.
But we wanted a catchy title that would sufficiently justify the sexual prowess of unemployed NFL running back Travis Henry. What most of us could only dream about doing in some sort of world where child support is a kind of fleeting premonition, Henry has managed to sleepwalk through.
Father to nine children, each bore to this world by a different mother, Henry now tells the New York Times he is flat broke. Paying an annual due of $170,000 to support a small army of bastard children will do that to a man.
So will failing to use a Jimmy hat.
Henry, who had three kids before he even left the University of Tennessee in 2001, claims he took precautions but was duped by the ‘ol “birth control” gag. Turns out, Henry was unknowingly aiding and abetting a slew of aspiring gold-diggers.
“I did use protection at first,” he said. “Then they’d be saying they’d be on the pill. I was an idiot to trust them. Second or third time with them, I didn’t use it. Then, boom!”
Though he is broke, to his credit, Henry, who will likely never get another shot in the NFL because of his rash of off-the-field problems, which also include failed drug tests, says he mans up to his mistakes and cares for his kids no less than if their births had been planned.
“I love all my kids. They’ve got my blood; I’ve got to deal with it.”
For the first time in 21 weeks (that’s 147 days, or 3528 hours for all you Sunday Ticket subscribers), we’ve been deprived our familiar Sunday ritual:
- Emerge from the cocoon spun by another Saturday splattered with runs to Home Depot, work around the house, and an evening dinner party hosted by people who enjoy watching paint dry
- Wiggling a way out of brunch long enough to phone in a series of hurried bets, including plans to parlay the kids’ lunch money into a Sunday night over/under
- Performing constant finger exercises for the next 10 hours, stopping only to acquire another adult beverage and dispense bodily fluids
- Fall asleep while tempering the day’s financial losses and looking forward to redemption in the form of Monday Night Football
The worst week in sports’ calendar year is the week leading up to the week leading up to the Super Bowl. There is hype surrounding the game, yet there is no analysis of each individual matchup. The only thing we have to listen to and watch is the endless amount of feel-good stories of how members of each team have bled and sweat their way to this glorious moment.
So what else is there to talk about? How else can we pass the time during the final moments of Super Bowl Week eve and, at the same time, create even a semblance of normalcy without having a game to watch?
How about cupcakes?Vodpod videos no longer available.
Standard text messaging rates will apply if you wish to bring a drunken idiot to justice during your next gridiron experience.
The league announced recently that 29 of its 32 teams have agreed to incorporate a policy that will allow sober fans the chance to eject their inebriated brethren. According to Yahoo! Sports, spectators will now be able to report unruly fan behavior by texting stadium security via a number specified by their particular NFL franchise.
Security will then assess the situation and swiftly carry out the proper punishment, which amounts to either a warning or banishment to the tavern adjacent to the stadium.
The infancy of the plan means that very little is known as to what number each team will require users to dial. However, some organizations have wasted no time in instituting the measure. For example, the Bengals are using 513-381-JERK, while the Rams are allegedly asking fans to phone in “SUKASS.”
We here at Citizen Fall encourage the worlds of sports, politics and women to prostitute themselves, with the hope that each will eventually engage one another in a blissful orgy of ghastly proportions.
It’s your lucky night, my friend….
Finally, visit CF throughout the night as we conduct our first-ever live blog to give you up-to-the-second updates of the presidential election.
It’s gonna be a long night—better bring protection.
Through the wonder of WordPress, I discovered that a miniscule number of you actually cared enough to work your way past my tease of Week 5’s review and read the exciting article that awaited in the Sports section. I am left to assume most of you trust the bias of ESPN’s podcast to give you the rundown of the week that was in the NFL, which is entirely acceptable to me. But in the event you are in the mood for something a little less mainstream, check CF’s thoughts on Week 7.
Another week gone by in the NFL means another post worth of thought-provoking analysis. Among other things, Week 5 showed us why the Panthers deserve your respect, what the Titans’ offense has in common with crack-addicted pop stars and why you’ll never have an erection at Ford Field. Read it here… Or, if you’d like a more professional review:
Mike Shanahan is yelling for no apparent reason, while Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio took time to thank the football gods for his group of gangbusters along the offensive line. And, in New England, fans at Gillette Stadium showed disgust for the Pats’ 21-1 record in their last 22 regular season games by hitting the gates early in the team’s loss to the Dolphins. The NFL section has your Week 3 review covered.
The 2008 NFL season started much in the same fashion the previous season ended.
Almost exactly seven months after they shocked the world by beating the previously unbeaten New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII in February, the New York Giants successfully started their title defense on Thursday night with a 16-7 victory over the Washington Redskins at The Meadowlands.
Wide receiver Plaxico Burress, whose touchdown reception sealed the Super Bowl win, caught ten balls for 133 yards. His 11-yard reception on the game’s opening drive set up a one-yard TD run by Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning. Manning completed 19 of 35 passes for 216 yards. Running back Brandon Jacobs added 166 yards on the ground on 21 carries. New Giants kicker John Carney kicked field goals of 24, 25, and 46 yards to provide the rest of the scoring.
Meanwhile, the New York defense shut down new Washington head coach Jim Zorn’s West Coast offense much like it did Tom Brady and the Patriots’ record-breaking assault. The Giants defense was without its two starting defensive ends from last season—the injured Osi Umenyiora and retired Michael Strahan—but still held the Skins to 209 total yards and 11 first downs. Washington’s offense crossed mid-field only three times, the last of which was in the waning seconds.
Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell was 15 of 27 for just 133 yards. After Rock Cartwright returned a kickoff into Giants territory before the half, Campbell threw a twelve-yard touchdown pass to Santana Moss to account for the Washington scoring. Running back Clinton Portis rushed for 84 yards on 23 carries.
Burress and the Giants agreed to terms on a five-year, $35 million contract hours before the game and just 15 minutes before teams were required to report any contract changes to the league office. Burress, who still has three years remaining on his current contract, will be paid $11 million the first year of his newly signed deal.
Stay tuned to the Sports section throughout the season for more NFL news.