Citizen Fall

SEC ’08 Preview

Southeastern Conference

Bottom Line: For years now the SEC has unanimously been regarded as college football’s premiere and most competitive league, and with the last two BCS national champions residing from the conference, it’s hard to argue this point.  And with more depth than ever, as perennial cellar-dwellers begin to make major strides, the SEC seems poised to further cement itself at the top of college football’s elite conferences.

East Division

AP Photo--Ted S. Warren  Tim Tebow will make the transformation from mohel to reigning Heisman Trophy winner when Florida opens up aginst Hawaii on Aug. 30

Tim Tebow will make the transformation from mohel to reigning Heisman Trophy winner when Florida opens up against Hawaii on Aug. 30 (AP Photo)

Florida Gators (11-1): Word out of Gainesville is that Gators fans
are fretting over the possibility that reigning Heisman winner Tim Tebow may have seriously injured his throwing hand while circumcising a young Filipino boy during his missionary exile in Southeast Asia over the summer.

Georgia Bulldogs (10-2): Well, we can forget about drooling over the pimptastic duo RB Knowshon Moreno and left tackle Trinton Sturdivant taking the field together this season.  After losing Sturdivant to a season-ending knee injury sustained in a scrimmage earlier this month, head coach Mark Richt and his staff are now scouring the roster to find another player whose name resembles that of a 70s prostitution ring leader, or the heroic subject of some blaxploitation film.

Tennessee Volunteers (8-4): With each passing year, head coach Phillip Fulmer looks more and more like some byproduct of a mythical elf that thrown into an orange jumpsuit and propped up on the Neyland Stadium sideline.  Over and under on interceptions collected by standout corner Eric Berry is currently at ten.

South Carolina Gamecocks (7-5): Now in his fourth season at the helm in Columbia, Steve Spurrier has finally decided to grab the reigns of his offense and take on play-calling responsibilities, which will undoubtedly enhance his “asshole” aura and increase the chance the Gamecocks will once again find themselves in a bowl game named after some auto parts manufacturer.

Gamecocks head coach Steve Spurrier might wanna start concentrating on that offensive playbook (Photo--Houston Chronicle)

Gamecocks head coach Steve Spurrier might wanna start concentrating on that offensive playbook (Photo--Houston Chronicle)

Kentucky Wildcats (6-6): How long will it take for Rich Brooks’ squad to remind the Lexington faithful that UK has been, and always will be, a basketball school and a repeat of last season’s 8-5 mark may be asking just a bit too much.

Vanderbilt Commodores (4-8): For a team that takes a back seat to others within the same state, four measly wins against a SEC slate and an unforgiving non-conference schedule may have Vandy alums inexplicably talking trash by season’s end.

West Division

LSU Tigers (9-3): The defending champs lost a lot to graduation, but they still return a bunch of talent, although the quarterback position is still up for grabs.  It appears as if the position is Harvard transfer Andrew Hatch’s to lose.  The Tigers will once again have enough to make a run, but with ’08 likely to provide less late-game theatrics than a year ago, will LSU and head coach Les Miles prove they have the poise and fortitude needed to defend their title?

Auburn Tigers (9-3): How’s this for a tune-up game?  A week prior to their battle against Georgia at Jordan Hare on Nov. 15, the Tigers will try to contain the high-flying circus act that is the Skyhawks of Tennessee Martin.

Alabama Crimson Tide (8-4): I credit the athletic department for venturing outside of the box and penciling in an ACC team the likes of Clemson for an intriguing opening game.  But perhaps the bulk of the praise should go to Nick Saban for substituting Arkansas State on the schedule in place of Louisiana-Monroe, a team the Crimson Tide lost to a year ago.  The upset prompted Saban, always the gentleman, to compare his team’s unforeseen tragedy to those in American history, such as September 11 and Pearl Harbor.

If the Tide lose to another cupcake, the inexplicable loss will put that whole Darfur thing to shame (AP Photo--Butch Dill)

If the Tide succumbs to another cupcake, the inexplicable loss will put that whole Darfur thing to shame (AP Photo--Butch Dill).

Mississippi State Bulldogs (8-4): Head coach Sylvester Croom is quickly making a name for himself in Starksville, and with another successful campaign this season, he could come ever closer to gaining membership into the SEC Asshole Coaches Association, a not-so-secret fraternity run by Les Miles and Nick Saban with strict entry requirements that demand an annual salary of nearly $2 million and access to a private jet.

Mississippi Rebels (6-6): The second Houston Nutt made the decision to spread his vile seed southward into Oxford, Ole Miss fans became instantly excited about the new heights to which he could bring a sagging program.  Despite the optimism, suspicions still lurk as to whether or not their new head man will be able to concentrate on football long enough to forgo touching those lovely sorority members who flock to The Grove for each Saturday afternoon home game.

Arkansas Razorbacks (5-7): People of Fayettevile: You better enjoy your honeymoon with Bobby Petrino, because he’s not exactly the long-term relationship kinda guy.  It won’t be long at all before he jumps ship for the first NFL opening, but fear not, Hog Nation.  After a disappointing five-win season, you’ll be so agitated over the fact that he makes millions to underachieve that you won’t be able to bear the sight of him, so it all works out for both parties.

Champion: Florida over LSU

Team on the rise: Auburn

Team on the fall: Tennessee

Player to Watch: Florida RB Emanuelle Moody, a 6’0″, 200 lb. USC transfer

Bowlers: Florida, Georgia, LSU, Auburn, Mississippi State, Alabama, Tennessee, South Carolina


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