Sarah Larson: My Name Is Humpty, Pronounced With the Umpty

The Subject: Sarah Larson

The Reason: Desperate for attention while rapidly losing celebrity status nine months after being dumped by George Clooney.

The Explanation: Complete oblivion to the fact commoners can also afford snazzy cameras.

The Aftermath: Get your D-list qualifications verified by hosts who don’t feel the need to whore up their Sundance Film Festival gift suites.

The Next Step: Utterly ruin the Chicago Bears’ defense by turning linebacker Brian Urlacher’s brain to mush and single-handedly inverting his penis.

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Jenn Sterger Turns Back On Sex Tape Craze

Bravo to Ms. Sterger for bucking the trend of achieving fame by putting one’s sexual romps on mini DV.

We’re not saying we wouldn’t designate a little memory space for the download, but there is such a thing as leaving too little to the imagination.

Sterger furiously stood her ground in a recent blog post after bloggers everywhere misinterpreted a hoax concocted by she and ex-boyfriend Rich Davis on the latter’s Maxim Radio show, “Covino and Rich:”

It’s always been my belief that the people who have to run their mouths about sex clearly aren’t getting any, and probably won’t until they learn what it’s like to be in adult relationships. Those of you who regularly read my blog…Clearly, I am a pretty open person and far from being a prude, but I am certainly not a whore either.

Amen.

This Whole ESPN Thing Is Catching On

The Worldwide Leader in Sports is all growsed up.

After years of putting in the proverbial dues, ESPN finally seems ready to go big-time. Thus, several members of the close-knit Bristol, Conn., family will pack their packs and head West, to the land of fake breasts and even faker personalities.

Among those making the coast-to-coast jump will be SportsCenter anchors Neil Everett and Stan Verrett and wannabe celeb Stuart Scott.

We assume the westward expansion will mean ESPN gets to create a whole new bias—one that rivals that of the East Coast but is three hours behind.

What else to expect from ESPN’s upcoming West Coast presence:

• Pac-10 athletic events on…a lot
• Erin Andrews asked to cover numerous midday games that require considerably breathable clothing
• Quarterbacks from USC, Oregon, and UCLA dominate Heisman ballots for the next 10 years
• Stuart Scott frequents the pages of TMZ
• Hannah Storm caught by the paparazzi strolling down Robertson Boulevard wearing jean cut-offs and Team A-Rod T-shirt

The fun kicks off April 6.